Thank You, Bridget Jones

"Resolution #1: Uggg - will obviously lose 20 lbs. #2: Always put last night's panties in the laundry basket. Equally important: will find nice sensible boyfriend and stop forming romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, sexaholics, commitment-phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, or perverts. Will especially stop fantasizing about a particular person who embodies all these things."

For Real:
1.) Be more productive. For fuck's sake, what are you doing with your time?! Facebook, Harry Potter audio books, this shit...?
2.) Find a REAL job.
3.) Make a decision about something - do something! Join Lutheran Volunteer Corps, move, etc! Quit bitching about your job and where you live if you're not going to DO anything about either of them.
4.) Stop obsessing about finding a relationship. You're fine on your own. Fuck men. (But don't actually fuck them, okay?)
5.) On that note...quit calling Eric. He has nothing to offer you. What good could come of it?! If you fall back into that trap, so help me...
6.) You have been exercising with some regularity. Good for you! Keep it up!
7.) Clean with regularity. Don't wait to wash the dishes till you need a bowl.
8.) De-clutter. Get rid of some of that useless crapola.
9.) Read more!
10.) Get a regular sleep schedule (hopefully will come with new job).

Drastic Measures

[You]
I'm thinking about doing something drastic.
[Cody]
00:55
Ought I to ask?
[You]
00:55
moving far away, joining the peace corps, who knows...
i just don't want to do anything alone. it is my biggest fear - doing new/scary things alone.
and maybe that is all the more reason for me to do it?

Another DOUCHEBAG!

Ang: so...?

Jake: You're right. I have been avoiding hangin out. Im really not looking for a relationship. Sorry if you feel as though I miss led [sic] you.

----
Ang: FWD:You're right. I have been avoiding hangin out. Im really not looking for a relationship. Sorry if you feel as though I miss led [sic] you.

Anna: Wow. He TOTally mislead u...

Becky: I feel no pity for him anymore
-----

Ang: Jake, why would you do that? I don't understand.

Jake: (silence)


Today I found this out about Jake, got hit on by some old creeper man tripping on LSD at work, and found out that a girl I worked at camp with for a couple summers died in a car accident on Friday and (I just found out today) that another person from camp died in Iraq six months ago. Today SUCKS.

Never...

watch P.S. I Love You after getting stood up (on Christmas).

Merry Christmas. You're Alone.

Jake stood me up.

I looked very cute today. And I wore my pretty bra. And my legs are all smooth (I even WAXED them). And my bag was all packed. And the inscription was already written in the book.

Remember how Jake had asked me for my address? I thought maybe when I got back home tonight I would find something in my mailbox from him. Then today wouldn't have been a total disappointment. Then I wouldn't have to feel like my last shred of hope in MANkind had just shat on my heart. I had some coupons, an electric bill, and 3 cards - grandma, the dr with the kid i was dating, and my (now ex)brother-in-law.

Fuck. that. shit.

I came home to my cat. And cried.

Wow

I just saw on FB that someone used "who'se." WTF is that? Dumbasses... I mean, I know I still mess things up every now and then, but seriously? Who'se? From where would that even come? C'mon, folks. Let's at least work on attaining a general grasp of things...

Cantadas de Amor

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btgzttXxp7o
Joy Williams - What Can I Do (But Love You)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crTc1V34m8g
Tracy Chapman - The Promise

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbMeAOTPJzM
Cat Power - Sea of Love

Brunch

[Jacob]
01:01
yeah. it's not that bad actually. i really like getting up eaRLY ON THE WEEKENDS! whoa caps lock.
[You]
01:02
lol
:)
early on weekends?
weekends are when you sleep in, goofy
[Jacob]
01:03
yeah well sleeping for me is 530am :):)
[You]
01:03
ideally, weekends are for sleeping in, sex, then getting up and making pancakes, and then going back to bed
only...i need gf panckes. which is okay.
[Jacob]
01:05
seriously! so i know this is premature but do you want to get married cause you just said all the magic words in the perfect order :):)
haha
[You]
01:05
lol
if you think you could handle GF panckes, it's a deal. ;);)
[Jacob Miller]
01:06
I think I could handle GF pancakes ;);)
[You]
01:06
:)

ang: fasting nap = all-consuming nap of death
jake: did you really fast all day? i ended up having 2 slices of sammy's pizza a couple of hrs ago. my buddy got them 4 me 4 helpin him out with his car.
ang: you stinkerbutt! i want pizza! : P yeah, i had juice and tea. it did not lead to a productive day...nor a pleasant angela. : P i don't know that i would do this again. bleh
jake: OMG the pizza was so good angela! ; ) you should probably go eat something.
ang: aw, shush your cute face. : P
i will be fine. i shall just drink more juice. i am kind of stubborn and don't want to quit. haha. : )
jake:Good for you! i think it would be easier if i had someone to do it with. if say we were together 4 the day. ya know?
ang: agreed. and not in my apt where there is this pancake mix... ; )
jake: you resisted pancakes! you are a seriously strong willed woman : ) we could do it at my place, i don't have any pancake mix.
*pause*
jake: oh, wait...doin' it on the weekend requires pancake mix, nevermind hehe ;) jk
ang: i was like did that just go over his head or was he embarrassed and ignoring it? : )
jake: haha :) not embarassed. just not sure what to say...is it getting warm in here or is it just me.... :) yowza!
ang: well, you've gotta keep that bodhi hot... (bodhi is what we decided he was going to name his plant last night, which he says is tropical and makes him feel like he needs to keep his apt warm.)
ang: oh my gosh. taht [sic] one was terrible. bahaha. : )
jake: haha :) not to worry im pretty sure i'm putting off enough heat for the whole apt. building! Now how do you expect me to sleep when ive got these angela induced pancake thoughts running through my mind...;)
ang: hmm. i ugess you need someone to give you a back massage and rub your hair till you fall asleep.... i udnno what to tell you. you're SOL, i guess. sweet dreams..
jake: gosh, if only i had someone to do that for me...
ang: you'd best get on that, i guess.
jake: i suppose i should. id really to get 2gether with you angela. hopefully i'll be around this weekend. id really like to get to know you better :)
ang: ditto. : )

If I Were A Witch...

House: Hufflepuff
Wand: 10 1/4" Willow with unicorn hair core
Willow wood is very flexible, making this wand especially good for charms. Wands with unicorn hair cores such as this one typically choose witches and wizards who are pure of heart. This wand is similar to Lily Potter's wand.
Patronus form: Just like Nymphadora Tonks and Remus Lupin, you have the Wolf. Wolves bring faithfulness, an inner strength and intuition. You have the capacity to make quick and firm emotional attachments and trust your insights about these attachments. You take control of your life and do so with harmony and discipline. You use the your inner power and strength to take risks and face your deepest fears. You are fiercely loyal to your friends and will defend them to your last breath.
Boyfriend: Neville Longbottom
Magical Creature: Troll
Oops, you are a troll! That doesn't mean you are a complete idiot, it only means you have your head in the clouds. You are absent-minded and naive. You forget things often but when people insult you, you're not scared to fight back. You are really tall, and trolls aren't known for their floral smell.
Character: Luna Lovegood
You are Luna. You're daydreamy and I have no idea why you're on the computer instead of fishing for fresh water plimpies.

Fucking Pants!

i had to buy new pants because my jogger's butt doesn't fit in my pants anymore. : / i tried on (literally) 33 pair of pants and found 4 that fit. isn't that disgusting? i wish i could just say, "Hey, my waist is this big and my legs are this short." But no. I had to try an 8 short and 8 medium, a 10 short and a 10 medium (in the 515 AND the 505 AND the 525 AND the 526). Straight leg, wide leg, curvy, slender, etc, etc, etc. In one instance there were even two 8 mediums that fit differently. SICK, is what that is. I actually started to cry a little bit. i am not fat. i should not have this hard of a time finding pants. i stood there and stared at my thighs and my hips and my muffin-top caused by the pants that were too long and too tight in the waist and I HATED MY BODY. Shopping is so bad. I know I'm beautiful...in my own way. I know that I shouldn't care that I'm 5'3" and, as my father would say, built like a brick shithouse. i'm solid and not...twiggy. so pants don't fit me. end of story.

My Love Life (aka My Texting Life)

All last weekend I was antsy, waiting to hear from Jake. I'd told myself I had to wait till Tuesday to talk to him again. I made it till Monday.
Ang: have you fallen off the edge of the earth? : )
Jake: No, just really busy this weekend n had a 330am start at work today so im kind of exhausted n pretty much just have time to eat, sleep, n work. Its gonna be like this till xmas break at lsc.
Jake:It kinda sux...but whatever :)
Ang: yikes. no wonder your immune system shut down! at least you can feel your break is well-deserved. are you going to florida? i can't imagine a tropical xmas. : )
Jake: Nope. Not sure what im gonna do for xmas. Have to work xmas eve, xmas is on a saturday, n i have to work the following monday. Xmas in florida isnt my fav anyway. Las time i was there my fam didn't even celebrate it, no tree, no nothin. They can be a real drag sometimes..
Jake: Maybe next year i can havv a real tropical xmas vacation to hawaii with my girlfriend :)
Ang: that's lame. well, i am heading north after i get off work xmas eve and i work the evening shift on sunday...but if you decide to hang around and want to do something, my family has a 20 ft tree and goes all out with church and dinner and all that shit. i'm sure they wouldn't mind if i dragged a friend along. : )
Jake: Ill keep that in mind. Thanks for the invite :) that sounds nice, im totally into 20 ft trees, goin to church, n all that shit ;)
Ang: haha. sorry. i have the voice of a 5 year-old but i grew up in the garage and can cuss like a sailor sometimes. "angela rose, how you talk," says my mother.
Ang: well, hang in there! it's almost over! i'm proud of you for working so hard and following your dreams. : )
Jake: No worries. Its kinda cute : )
Ang: haha. that def mkes it into the top 10 strangest compliments I've been given by attractive men. : ) don't forget to breath and sleep well, early bird!
Jake: U hang in there too. And thank you :) Ill try to do a better job of keepin in touch.

Then, knowing full well that he likes Yoga from having seen his match.com profile, I sent him this:

Angela ʚϊɞ 30 November at 09:01
I don't know if you're into this sort of thing, but this video always helps me relax. I usually put some naturey-sounding music on with it. Sounds like you could use 30 min of de-stressing. : )
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4628036076291757842#
Free Hatha Yoga Video Class - My Yoga Online TV DVD
video.google.com

Jacob 30 November at 15:24 Report
Thanks! I usually do yoga for an hour and a half once every week, it's a great workout and it's really relaxing. I haven't done it for a couple weeks now because I've been too busy and too tired, but I'll give this try when I have more time come mid December. I'm kind of really into fitness and nutrition and try to do a variety of workouts, including streching and yoga, throughout the week when I have time, so thanks again for that :)

I'm so nervous. I like Jake so much. I think we could be wonderful together. I'm nervous that he could really, really get me...like maybe nobody has gotten me before, but at the same time, what if he turns out to be douchey like all the others? I mean, from what I know of him, there is no chance of that, but how well do I really know him? There was an attractive, light-haired, hippyish sort of guy who ordered two (specifically) vegetarian soups from me yesterday and I helped him carry them to his dark-haired wife who was (publicly) breast-feeding their baby at the table. I couldn't help but imagine it was Jake and me. They were adorable, hippyish, had the right color hair and builds, and he seemed intelligent and quiet in a non-shy sort of way...and I just like him so much! It's all terribly cheesy, I'm aware.

Please, Jake. Please be everything I'm thinking/hoping you are.

At My Funeral

"To the well organized mind, death is but the next great adventure." -Albus Dumbledore

Spirit In the Sky - Norman Greenbaum

(Featured at the beginning of the last HP book)
Death is but crossing the world, as friends do the seas; they live in one another still For they must needs be present, that love and live in that which is omnipresent. In this divine glass, they see face to face; and their converse is free, as well as pur. This is the comfort of friends, that thought they may be said to die, yet their friendship and society are, in teh best sense, ever present, because immortal. -William Penn, More Fruits of Solitude


Magic Carpet Ride - Steppenwolf

Birth is a beginning
And death a destination
And life is a journey
From childhood to maturity
And youth to age;
From innocence to awareness
And ignorance to knowing;
From foolishness to discretion
And then, perhaps, to wisdom;
From weakness to strength,
Or strength to weakness -
And, often, back again;
From offense to forgiveness.
From loneliness to love,
From joy to gratitude
From pain to compassion,
and grief to understanding -
From fear to faith;
From defeat to defeat -
Until, looking backward or ahead,
We see that victory lies
Not at some high place along the way,
But in having made the journey,
Stage by stage,
A sacred pilgrimage.
Birth is a beginning
And death a destination.
And life is a journey,
A sacred pilgrimage -
To life everlasting.
-Reform Judaism Prayer Book

Confession

I miss Eric. I miss Eric every fucking day. EVERY. FUCKING. DAY. Admitting this "out-loud" makes me bawl. I woke up Thanksgiving morning and was excited to check my FB to see if I had a message from Jake, but at the same time I was thinking about how Eric and I always play-fought over the cranberries on Thanksgiving. I miss how he smells (he always put his deodorant on his chest bc he knew i loved the smell and then it was in my face when i hugged him), the weird face he makes when he is trying to get his ears to pop, him asking me to rub his hair, the cute way he scrunches up his nose when he laughs and how sometimes, when he gets going so hard, he giggles like a little girl...

My mom said, "Do you miss Eric or do you miss having somebody?" I said, "Mom, I miss Eric. Of course I miss Eric." She said she never missed my Dad after she left him. WTfuck? I married Eric because I never wanted to be without him. Ever. And now I am. For-ever.

Reflections On a Snowy Eve

What is it about the holiday season that makes me feel so good? EVERYthing!

Tonight at work a pleasant couple came in for some soup. They had just bought their tree at the tree spot across the street, whose smell I've been thoroughly enjoying all week, and were enjoying the heavy snowfall. The husband told me that he and his wife had lived in Texas for 10 years and that we are so blessed to have this snow. I told him I have a friend (this would be Jake) whose family lives in Florida and that I'd asked him if he was going there for Christmas and said that I couldn't imagine a tropical Christmas. We laughed and I showed him the picture on my phone of my driveway back home my Mom had sent me the other night with the sun setting behind the snowy trees. While they were eating their soup I surprised them with hot cocoas and said, "I decided that tree shopping and soup eating in a blizzard requires some hot cocoa."

After work I walked to my car, which was parked by the tree place. The Christmas music, the heavy snow, the smell of the trees and the glow of the lights...I just love it. I spent 5 or 6 minutes smiling and brushing all the snow off my car. Then I drove slowly home with the windows rolled down (in a blizzard) and listened to the Christmas carol station.

When I got home my neighbor, Sam, was outside shoveling the parking lot. I left my doors open so we could listen to that Black man with the scratchy voice sing that one Christmas song (really specific, I'm aware) and helped him finish shoveling. Snow brings folks together, I think.

I love winter! I love how everybody is so kind to each other during the holiday season! I love Christmas lights on snow-capped houses! I love seeing dreidels, chocolate coins, and cookies with blue sprinkles for sale! I love the smell of the cold, fresh air outside and catching snowflakes on my tongue, bundling up and my mukluks. I love buying little presents for my Mom's stocking, etc., etc.





Happy 4th Day of Hannukah! Wooowie!