Men. Ugh. (Travis)

Travis was the love of my 7th and 8th grade life. I was too shy and awkward to talk...but he knew I adored him and he milked it for all it was worth. When I broke my shoulder doing hurdles in track I had to wear an awful, awful brace and he called me Velcro Woman. I was embarrassed but couldn't help loving the attention.
In 9th grade someone else came along and I forgot about Travis. We probably said less than 10 sentences to each other throughout the rest of H.S. After our first year of college we both transferred to CSS. We ran into each other on campus a few times and did the head nod and "Hey, how's it going." (<--Said with a period because nobody actually expects/gives a response.) I left my alcoholic/cheating husband at the end of May. I had a really fast relationship with Justin (you'll find out about him later, I promise) that was a disaster. After a few flirtatious FB chats Travis and I agreed that he would buy me dinner next time I was up in his area. I was elated. When getting ready for the date I was so excited I could scarcely apply my fucking eyeshadow because my hand was shaking so badly. Had I gained weight since HS? Was I really going to be able to show him I'm less shy? Why did I have to have an Italian grandmother (bless her) who passed on the female 'stache? Was my ex-husband serious when he said he could feel it when he kissed me? Should I bleach it? Do we HAVE any bleach?! Why hadn't I just waxed it? How was I going on a date with Travis who is clearly so much cooler than I?
The date was super, duper fun. I had planned on staying at my friend Rachel's house, only that flopped and Travis invited me to stay over. I couldn't find my toothbrush. Travis said he had an extra somewhere and was unable to locate it. He gave me his to use and I accepted. As I stood there at the sink with Travis' toothbrush in my mouth...I could not stop smiling. It felt like my cheeks were going to split. What would my 13 year-old self say if she knew I was standing here using his toothbrush?
We went to bed and he kissed me. Lots. It was wonderful. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful! After boring make out sessions with Justin involving no tongue and kisses like he gives his son...wow! Travis stuck his tongue in my mouth and I was like, "Pa-raise the Lord!" I couldn't stop smiling. Travis kept touching my cheeks and telling me how cute my dimples were. It was amazing.
We had one other date that was about the same. Lots of 4 am phone conversations and flirtations. Then he invited me to Halloween at his house. What's that? You want to know what my FABULOUS self decided to dress up as? VELCRO WOMAN. Boo-ya! I fuckin' sewed that cape, shirt, headband, wristbands and mask. And found a brace. That's right. A-ma-zing. And how adorable, right? Our little inside joke... I am going to be the best girlfriend ever to whoever this guy is gonna end up being. I know it. I mean...I brought Travis lunch at work once, I sent him a coupon in the mail for a free back massage when I knew he was having a rough week. I love doing that kind of stuff.
So, anyway, Sunday was a big day for me. It was the day I got dumped for the first time. Divorced, 25 years old...and I just got dumped. Although, I don't know that it technically qualifies as being dumped because I'm not sure Travis and I were technically "together" enough for that. At any rate, he fed me some lines which may or may not be true: "I'm too messed up for a relationship right now," and "I'm not happy with myself," etc, etc. I mean, I know that it's true...but I don't know that he knows that it's true, you know what I mean?
So, that was Sunday. Tuesday night I went to bed at 12 or 12:30ish. At 1:30 am Travis texted me and it sounded like he needed to talk, like he was going to have some sort of emotional outpour. Right. That's exactly what happened. Read on and be HORRIFIED (T for Trav, A for Ang):


T
just know ur a cute gal and u can make guys stop in their tracks
A
haha. :):)
thank you
likewise, my friend. likewise.
T
i always wanted to be a cute gal
A
i know. that's totally why i said that...
T
and to think i spend so much time trimming
A
trimming?
T
lol
ur too innocent im sorry
A
alright...urban dictionary it is
T
it means taking care of ur bush
A
oh, that
well i know what that is
T
are u srue u do?
A
i thought you were meaning something more pervy
yesss...
T
cuz i remember a hearty bush lol
:):)
A
oh my...
well
trimming doesn't mean chopping it all off, i guess
fuck, travis. you're so damn blunt.
my face is getting sunburnt.
T
sorry
A
you said i'm kind of a hippie, right? hippie woman = hairy. so there.
T
pretty much but i was hoping for a landscaped trail
A
well, i waxed my bikini line and...why am i explaining this to you?
geez, shit.
T
i guess i was use to the whore girl that shaves it all
A
oh, gosh. ow, ow, ow.
that is like having sex with a little girl
i did that once. never again.
T
yeah cuz hairy means old
A
no, hairy means post-puberty
shit, travis, we women have enough hair to remove.
T
it does if u make it fit a figure not just a jungle bush
a simple triangle works
A
alright, are ya trying to be a dick here, or what?
T
just trying to help ya for future moments
A
well, i think i'll be alright. i don't know what kind of women you hang out with...but most of my girlfriends are the same.
T
i trimmed to the balls for ya jus tsaying
if u want someone to be there try to trim the hair
:P:P
A
oh my.
T
but on a bright side those ta tas as still great
A
right.
T
is true, they are very perky and damn damn damn sexy
At this point I sent him (in his inbox) the chapter from The Vagina Monologues called "Hair."

You cannot love a vagina unless you love hair. Many people do not love hair. My first and only husband hated hair. He said it was cluttered and dirty. He made me shave my vagina. It looked puffy and exposed and like a little girl. This excited him. When he made love to me my vagina felt the way a beard must feel. It felt good to rub it and painful. Like scratching a mosquito bite. It felt like it was on fire. There were screaming red bumps.

I refused to shave it again. Then my husband had an affair. When we went to marital therapy, he said he screwed around because I wouldn’t please him sexually. I wouldn’t shave my vagina. The therapist has a German accent and gasped (gasp) between sentences (gasp) to show her empathy. She asked me why I didn’t want to please my husband. I told her I thought it was weird. I felt little when my hair was gone down there and I couldn’t help talking in a baby voice and the skin got irritated and even calamine lotion wouldn’t help it. She told me marriage was a compromise.

I asked her if shaving my vagina would stop him from screwing around. I asked her if she had many cases like this before. She said that questions diluted the process. I needed to jump in. She was sure it was a good beginning.

This time, when we got home, he got to shave my vagina. It was like a therapy bonus prize. He clipped it a few times and there was a little blood in the bathtub. He didn’t even notice it cause he was so happy shaving me. Then, later, when my husband was pressing against me, I could feel his spiky sharpness sticking into me, my naked puffy vagina. There was no protection. There was no fluff.

I realized then that hair is there for a reason – it’s the leaf around the flower, the lawn around the house. You have to love hair in order to love the vagina. You can’t pick the parts you want. And besides, my husband never stopped screwing around.

T

we all want a story like that

A

it's her bush. she can leave it if she wants.

T

so a guy can do that same??

A

there is no law saying when you get married he gets to control her pubic hair.

yeah. psh. i don't care

T

i ask her to do it before we get married and yes im a dick

A

hair is supposed to be there.

T

ill trim it for her!!

A

yeah, 'cause that's sexy...

T

if i want someone to go down there ill take care of the ish

A

i would never be upset if a guy didn't want to cut his bush off. as long as it doesn't smell bad down there.

T

ive done the figure 8 before

cuze a gal didnt take care of herself

A

i'm clean, i wax my bikini line, and i do trim, thank you very much. and that's that.

T

im a terribler person im aware

A

figure 8?

T

u go to go down on a gall but its not kosher so u swing right back up

the figure 7

8

A

oh

T

not everyone had ur sugar tits lol

A

this is probably the most disgusting conversation i've ever had...

:/

T

but i think they are great??

A

yeah, but...you're just...so tactless, really.

T

lol im glad to make u be a real person and pick sides

A

i mean, i'm not just some girl you brought home from teh bar, ya know?

what's that supposed to mean?

T

it means ur a real gal and u stand up for urself

ur beyond me ad we have coverded

A

well...that's what i've been doing for the last 20 min.

i'm beyond you?

T

yeah cuz im a minute to minute guy and ur a serious gal

A

i have to say, when i told andrea you'd told me that i had nice "ta-tas" she said, "wow, trav. wow."

T

why must u tell andrea everything???

A

bc that's what women do

T

lol

da,m

she knows enough

A

and i had to ask if she thought it was weird, too

T

fair enough

im a failier

A

well...no. you just need to learn some tact and some wooing skills.

T

lol yeah ok

A

and don't try to have sex with a girl one night and then when she sits through two football games because she wants to cuddle with you act like she has cooties...

T

lol

u cant compare me to local gals

A

uh, what?

T

and im ready for bed

A

alright. well...thanks for flattering and humiliating me all at once...

sleep well

I logged off. Then he texted me about cuddling. Dream on, loser. What a pig, right? Well, moving on...